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At My Wits End

You know what you brought you here. Your choices. Somewhere along the way, you made a bad one and now you have to suffer the consequences. Hopefully you change in time to make a better choice next time.

If you just jumped in. You die, start over with a new life here.

I just want my partner back. We used to spend time together. We met in high school, and we were inseparable. Yeah, games were around, and part of our relationship, but nothing like it is now. I feel like I don’t get any us time. We don’t go on dates anymore, we don’t talk about our days, we don’t even eat dinner together anymore! 

I feel underappreciated and undervalued. I feel like I’m a housemaid and a mother, even though I don’t have any children. I walk around cleaning up messes I didn’t make, and wondering how a human can have such little consideration and respect for someone else. I’m the only half of this whole that cooks or cleans. 

I feel like I have a roommate, but the worst one ever! It was never socially acceptable as roommates in college for people to leave dishes unwashed, let alone unrinsed in the sink. We took turns cleaning the common areas, and we took care of our own personal areas. Common respect, am I right? Unfortunately, this is not my experience in this relationship. Is it sad to say my irresponsible, teenage college roommates treat me with more respect than my long term partner? 

I don’t know if this is how it is in every relationship, because this is the only long term experience I’ve had. I just know I don’t like it, and I don’t want to stick around for it. I can take care of myself all by myself and not have to worry about all of this extra weight. I can afford a one bedroom place in a decent area without any help, and then I get to make decisions on my own. As it currently stands, I don’t get to decide when I get a new car, or when I get to go on vacation. I don’t even get to decide to put mushrooms in my dinner because my glorified roommate doesn’t like the texture. 

I used to be in this for the love. I was so deep in love. I couldn’t hold myself together. I fell harder than Lucifer from Heaven. There was one topic on my mind, and only one thing I wanted to talk to my friends about. That’s long gone. While there is love in my heart, I’m no longer infatuated with this facade. Now, my friends are gone because they’re sick of hearing me complain that I don’t get any quality time. They keep telling me to leave. At first, I couldn’t see my life any differently, the pain of what I was experiencing wasn’t enough to leave, to venture out on my own, find out who I am solo. The more this drags on, the higher the pile-up of justifications like “decompression” and “what you want, vs what I need” gets, the more I become vulnerable and feel like I’m talking to a stranger who doesn’t give a damn about me and my life. I can live without a stranger. Especially someone who eats the food I make without gratitude. 

I won’t lie to you, I’m lonely. I can’t come home and talk about my dreams, aspirations, fears, struggles, and triumphs. So, I end up just talking about my struggles at home. My mom is always there, but she’s so fucking supportive. She doesn’t give much actual advice, but she’s in my corner all the time. Whenever I need a “That’s great, sweetheart!” I go to her. My sister and I are currently fighting. Something stupid, she wanted to post a risqué picture and I tried to talk her out of it. My therapist says I have all the skills I need, and won’t really talk to me much until I’m actually interested in changing something. Aka, leave, or somehow get the gaming under control. Friends are all in the same boat. Not wanting to talk about the same old same old complaints. 

It’s not like I want to sit here and complain all day. I would much rather be heard, acknowledged, and have change ensue. Why is that so much to ask for? I would much rather talk about the things I’m learning, the ways I’m growing, or the lady at the grocery store I flipped off on the way out of the parking lot. I gave the ultimatum, and had the court documents drafted. I’m done tiptoeing. I’m done talking and not being heard. I’m done with the empty promises while strangers get the best while I get the crumbs. I’m sick of being a dog waiting for scraps on the floor. I deserve to be treated like a trophy wife. Either the gaming gets under control, or this Queen Consort will anoint herself Empress Regent. Also, I need my therapist back

Just jumped in? Start at the beginning to see from the gamer perspective.

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